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Years later, I would also briefly identify as a lesbian, and assumed that my prior attractions to men had been due to the heteronormative brainwashing of society.Falling in love with my first girlfriend made me doubt every other time I’d fallen in love, and after dating her I went for years without even a glimmer of attraction to a man. What I eventually saw, was that our relationships are tempered by the expectations of society.

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At the time (and, this probably wouldn’t fly now) many lesbians held events that excluded bisexual women from them.

Why, I wondered, would they feel the need to do that? They won’t articulate it, because it’s shameful, but deep down many lesbians worry that they won’t be able to provide for their partner like a man can.

I’m attracted to non-binary people sometimes, but none of them have ever been attracted back, which I guess is fair enough. To go back to gender again; once I accepted my own competence in tech, and when I was no longer blinded with fear, I could analyze the men (and, it is nearly always men) who looked down on my intelligence. Their reasons varied —sometimes men attracted to me were trying to display their superiority in an effort to win me over (did not work.) Other men are simply always trying to demonstrate their mental superiority, and while they would do so with both men and women, they were willing to exploit the vulnerabilities of feminine stereotypes when engaging with women.

And some men view rational intelligence to be a signifier of masculinity, and will try to prove their intelligence over women to feel like more of a man.

Of course, many lesbians also enjoy feelings of queer conformity, which was a thing I hadn’t really noticed until getting more involved in the lesbian community, but also creates irreconcilable tensions.

And, don’t even get me started on non-binary people, who consider my very identity as bisexual to be an assault to their gender. I guess where I’m going with this, is I sort got to the point with my bisexuality where the bi-phobic things people said stopped hurting because I knew myself completely.

The reason it was so fucking painful when someone used to ask I even had a therapist — a fucking therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues — ask me if I was really bisexual, or just attached to the identity of bisexual.

In fact, for about 3 months after that, I identified as straight but was so miserable I decided to change my identity back to bisexual “even if it was a lie” because I was happier that way.

And, I daren’t raise such concerns to “traditionally” minded people, but I expect their advice would have been “accept men and women are different, you’ll find happiness when you stop trying to be a man and embrace the feminine role.”Thing is, neither of them were right.

Ultimately, I found my peace through my experience, by doing well on my tests in college, and by outputting good code at work over and over again, for years.

I don’t know if women on average are as good in STEM fields as men are, but I know many women (myself arrogantly included) who outperform many of their male peers in their technical fields.


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